Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the Midlife Happiness project, where we share inspiring stories to bring some happy into your life.
[00:00:09] Speaker B: Have a pretty good day all year.
[00:00:16] Speaker A: Okay, well, welcome back to the Midlife Happiness project, and I am here with one of my very, very best friends, Archna. Hi, Archna.
[00:00:28] Speaker B: Hi, Sarah. How are you?
[00:00:29] Speaker A: I'm doing great. Okay, so Archna's got a great story, one, actually, that I can relate to, kind of having been through sort of a similar journey. So this is exciting for me.
Archna is the mother to a son and a daughter, both who are out of the house. She's happily married and, well, I should also say, the mom to two dogs. She's a dog mom and have a big part in her life. And as of recently, she's really introduced some big changes into her life. And I think that might have something to do with the thing that she's brought into her life to really add some new happiness. And, Archna, what would that thing be?
[00:01:20] Speaker B: Moving.
We lived in Los Gatos for the longest time, and that's where Sarah, you and I met through our daughter.
And most of our life revolved around kids, as, you know, parents do. And when the kids became independent, meaning that they were no longer living in the house, we kind of looked around to ourselves and said, you know, this is a lot of house for two people. At the time, we only had one dog, and I honestly did not want to work. And so with the mortgage over our heads and us wanting to have a little bit more financial freedom and me not wanting to work, I think that prompted the discussion of, why are we in Los Gatos? Where can we go that will give us that financial freedom and allow us to live the life that we want to live without kids, right, as empty nesters.
And so with our family being local, I kind of drew a two hour radius and told my husband, hey, look, I don't want to get on a plane to see my family. We still have a lot of family in town, right?
Scott said, hey, I want a place where I can be active. He likes to run. He likes to ski.
He likes the hills. And so we came up with a solution that kind of worked for both of us and allowed me to work later on in life, should I choose to do so. But not having to work, to live.
[00:02:54] Speaker A: And to just not have a mortgage over and not have this overwhelming debt, it's very freeing and liberating. But it's worth mentioning. I know for people watching or listening, I know a lot of people have this idea that maybe they'll move but it gets a little scary, because even if you're not super jazzed about where you're living, the fact is, it's comfortable. You probably have your network of friends. You have a routine. It might, again, might not be terribly exciting, but it's familiar, it's comfortable. It's what you know. And I think that for a lot of people, it's just that that prevents them from actually moving. So with all that in mind, how did you feel when you actually made the decision, like, you know what? Let's just do this. Let's just go for it and actually sell the house and not talk about it, but do it. That must have been kind of scary.
[00:03:57] Speaker B: It was very scary, especially since we had aging parents that were nearby. And it's hard to leave that community that you've established, you know, for a long period of time. I mean, our kids grew up there, so our friends were there. Our kids friends were there. This was home for them.
So it was a very, very tough decision. But, you know, at the end of the day, we really wanted to find the things that made us comfortable in life, and we didn't want to live for our kids.
I'm here for my kids, but I didn't want to live for my kids. I'm here for my parents, and I didn't want to live for my parents. And so for me and for my husband, this was a happy compromise. It gave us an opportunity to still be close and, you know, or a phone call away from our kids as well as, you know, and we're near an airport. We're not going anywhere isolated where there's, you know, it's so rustic that we don't have the creature comforts that we are used to. But it also gave us the. And flexibility that we didn't have to work right now, that we could go back to work. I mean, we're in our fifties. It's not like we're really, really old and we can't work because of health reasons or any other reasons, but this gave us a tremendous outlook on just, you know, hey, we can do this.
[00:05:25] Speaker A: Freedom.
[00:05:26] Speaker B: Freedom. Yeah. We can travel.
We can do all those things that we had put off until later, and. And we can do them now because it's kind of the perfect storm. Right? Our parents are still mobile. They're still healthy. Our kids are still active, and they haven't settled down. So it gave us a chance to say, okay, why don't we do this?
[00:05:50] Speaker A: You are bringing up, I mean, just full disclosure.
Me and my husband, we moved just before you, I guess, two and a half years ago. And the town we were living in before we were there for ten years. We'd moved quite a bit before that, but we were there for like a decade. So we had a lot of great friends, a routine, definitely a community.
But I. Everything you're saying really resonates with me because I remember my husband and I, we would talk about just this, that this particular period in our life where your kids aren't home, so you can make decisions basically for yourselves, within reason.
[00:06:36] Speaker B: Right.
[00:06:37] Speaker A: And so that's liberating and freeing.
But you've also mentioned the reality, as we get older, our parents are getting older, and we know that probably at some point we'll have to really be engaged in that. And, you know, everybody is very different to how involved they are with their parent situation, but you kind of want to get ahead of it. And for us, we wanted to move before these, this sort of tidal wave of other stuff came in, and then we'd be sort of feel like, well, we're stuck. We missed our chance. We should have moved. But now we kind of have too much on our plate.
And so I guess this is where we are. So I completely relate being mindful of, you know, if you are to move, there is, I have to say that just being kind of a new empty nester is like a perfect time to move on it. The other thing that I'll have you speak to, which I think is scary for people because I know people have asked me about this when I. When I said I was moving, the general response is, well, you're moving somewhere.
You don't know anybody.
[00:07:57] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:07:58] Speaker A: How would that work? You don't know anybody.
And that is true.
And it sounds like that was your experience.
[00:08:10] Speaker B: We received that argument as well. You know, so many people here, your families here. Why would you move to a strange new city or a strange new town? We didn't move out of state. We're still in state, but we're still. California is a big state, so you can go from one corner to another and feel like you're in a whole different world. Right. The topography changes and the weather changes. And honestly, people change, too. Right. The communities are centered around different things.
Silicon Valley is a very, very eclectic, diverse, you know, people, place where it's made up of transients. Right. Everyone comes in and they're there for work, and then they grow their roots. And so your family, if you are lucky to have your family nearby, as we were, it was great. But your family becomes your neighbors, your coworkers, your kids friends, people that you meet through your network. Right.
The one thing that I will say, though, is it's easier to move now while we're still active and mobile and we have interests that we can communicate and talk to people with. We can join different organizations. We can, you know, go to meetups and go to parties and hang out at bars and whatnot. We're not at the point where we're sequestered in our house because we're not healthy or we're not able to do that. So I think that moving right now is an easier transition. You can find your doctors, you can find your dentist. You can find that network of things that you might need.
It's easier now, at least for us. It felt like it was a lot easier now than it would be because we saw our parents go through it. Our parents moved to California for us, you know, for their grandchildren, and it was harder for them in their late sixties, seventies, you know, to move from the east coast to the west coast or from the midwest to the west coast. It's more expensive. And then all of their emotional attachment is around their kids, right?
Whereas right now we don't have that. We have that tether, but we also have other tethers that we can also branch out and take advantage of. And I think that that's a very, very scary thing to do, but it's much less scary now than it would be had I, you know, had we waited another maybe 1015 years. And again, this is individual thing, and it's also a couple thing, too. You both have to be on the same page in order to do that.
I was very strict about, hey, I wanted to be near an airport, and I wanted to be within 2 hours of my family because I need that. I want to be closer to them. My husband was much more, and in the end, it worked out. He wanted to be in the mountains, and so he got the mountains, he got the skiing, and his parents eventually ended up moving back to the midwest. So it was a win win for him, too. But it's much easier now, in my opinion.
[00:11:16] Speaker A: And I think yourself, you gave yourself permission to make yourself a priority, right? And say it's very difficult.
[00:11:27] Speaker B: Especially, I think, for women, because, you know, 20 years of my life was dedicated to the kids. And so even though I was working, all of my family, including you, Sarah, we met through our kids. We met through school, sports. We met, you know, my other friends I met through school functions.
It just happens that way. That becomes your family and so now, all of a sudden, I had to reinvent myself. And part of the reinvent process is also getting to know who I am now as a person, because a lot of me has changed.
I gone from being, you know, single and stupid to married and somewhat smart and then having kids and becoming stupid again and then.
And then, you know, working. And now, you know, I have that flexibility to meet people and really discover the things that I had put off and figure out if the things that I had put off are still really important to me.
[00:12:34] Speaker A: I think everything you're saying, everything you're saying really resonates with me. And I have a couple comments kind of based on what you're talking about, what's really interesting, it's all how you see things. So, yes, it is easier when you live in a community and you have kids, because, to your point, you're meeting them through school functions, sports. You can't help it. You quite literally don't even have to try. These opportunities present themselves and you have a network of friends. Wonderful.
And so it's scary when you move somewhere and you don't have your kids as a catalyst to make these friendships. The flip side to it, though, is, I think, exactly. I'm on point with exactly what you're saying, which is true. The opportunities might not be there quite as much, but the relationships you forge are so unique and different now because people are getting to know me, not, oh, you're the mother of. And it doesn't center around these kids that you know, which, of course, you're happy to talk about your children, but you're getting to know people solely based on you share similar interests, you find each other interesting. They have kids, maybe they don't have kids. And I completely relate to that. And that's what really has been one of the most sort of refreshing things for me personally.
But the other thing that I wanted to mention, which you had, were talking about, and that's just that when you move somewhere and you, as you say, you reinvent yourself and you kind of put yourself out there, you're meeting your different people in different situations. I think it's worthy to mention to people who are listening, who might be considering something like this, that all this is true. There's fabulous people, no matter where you live, that would absolutely love to bring you into their life and make you a friend. But it would be irresponsible, frankly, for us not to mention that it is work.
[00:14:50] Speaker B: It is work.
[00:14:51] Speaker A: The business of integrating into a new community, meeting new people. There's plenty of opportunity, but it requires energy, enthusiasm, putting yourself out there. You can't move somewhere and expect that, you know, the neighbors are going to show up with muffins knocking on your door saying, oh, ladies night. You know, it's not quite like that.
You have to put in the work, and maybe you can sort of chat about that. What your experience was.
[00:15:23] Speaker B: It is, it is a lot of work, and it's very intimidating because as you move into a new community, you don't know the ins and outs.
[00:15:33] Speaker A: Right.
[00:15:33] Speaker B: You know, you might move into a community where politics are a big thing for that community. And I'm not a politician. I don't follow politics. And so for me, that was a change.
I'm from technology and I'm moving into a very small town where tech is not a big thing. Right. So you have to really do figure out, first of all, what's important to you because that's what's going to guide what organizations or the kind of people that you're going to eventually attract and also the people that you want in your life, right. Moving forward. And you're right. When we were younger and we had kids, we were kind of forced into that situation in some ways because I met some people, like it or not, whether I liked them or not, my kids liked their kids. And so we would always be friends, right? And we would always see each other. I never really went out of my way until my kids got a little older. And I'm like, hey, I'm still friends with them, even though our kids are not still connected, you know?
So now the way that I've tried to integrate myself is, you know, I still have two dogs. I still have to take them for a walk every day and sometimes twice a day. So I connected with people at the local dog park, and the minute they know that you're coming in from out of town, well, then they share things. Oh, where's the local vet? Oh, you know, are you looking for a housekeeper? Are you looking, you know, restaurants, movies and so that's a great way to connect.
The other place. The plug that I'm going to make is my son's in the military, and I was very lucky to find an organization that is for military moms, and they've helped me a lot. And this is my opportunity to give back. And part of not working is also filling your time with those things that matter to you. So that helped a lot.
One of the things that I didn't have time for, and I have time for now, is gardening. So I was able to connect with people on nextdoor and on, you know, meetups and, you know, find things that would help me there. You know, I didn't have space for a garden where I was growing up and now I'm fortunate enough to have space for a garden and the weather for a garden. So, you know, I'm kind of learning and bumbling along the way. I took a couple classes at the community college locally here.
Very intimidating.
But at the same time, you know, I've made some friends that way and some friends I'm going to keep and some friends I'm not. And, you know, that's kind of the way it goes. And it's also me. I'm finding friends on my own and now I have to also integrate friends that my husband likes and that we could go out as a couple with. It's no longer kids and so there's that, too, where I have a set of girlfriends and, you know, it's really nice to go hang out with just girls and play funko and, you know, have a glass of wine or go to the movies. And then there's things that I do with my husband and I'm blessed, you know, 24 years of marriage and we're still kind of connected and have a lot of things that we want to do. And he's dragging me along. When he goes running, I go hiking. So it's a great way to communicate, it's a great way to talk because even though he's seen a lot more terrain than I have, we're still in the same park. And so we go there together and we come back together and I do my hour of hiking and he does this hour of running. So we both have our alone time, but we also have our together time.
[00:19:20] Speaker A: So this big move then, it is really. It sounds like it's made you happy and contributed to your happiness on many levels. It kind of sounds like, well, physically, you are probably more active now than you ever have been. It's been done good things for your relationship, you know, and it also sounds like it's sparked something in you. I mean, something. Of course, this. This has to do also with the fact that, you know, you're retired, but again, you're giving yourself permission to try new things, take classes. And like you had said, which I thought was really interesting and I thought a lot, I think a lot of people can relate to this, is you're kind of getting to know the person you are now. And, you know, we're not always the same. We grow and some people change more than others. But the fact that you really recognize that and your introspective, I think that's really interesting because I think a lot of people can relate to this. You know, this is. This is who I am. This is always what I've done. This is always the type of people I would hang out with, or this is how I spend my time. And when you get a little bit older and we're in this unique position this time in our life, it's. Sure, those things might be fine and well, but I don't know. I have friends who've wanted to learn another language or, you know, they've just said, enough of this. I want to go pursue something different. And, you know, it's just. You're an ever evolving person.
[00:21:06] Speaker B: I think the key word there is permission. I think that when we have kids at home and we have a career and we're trying to juggle the home life with the work life and try to achieve this work life balance, there's very little time in that work life balance for us. So I. At least for me, I always put myself at the bottom, and now I don't have any more excuses.
And I think, honestly, from what everyone else tells me, it's made me a happier person. And so when your kids look at you and say, mom, when your kids see you after a couple of weeks and say, mom, you really. You really look happy here. You know, this. This place is working for you. Whatever you're doing, keep doing.
[00:21:56] Speaker A: I love to hear that.
[00:21:58] Speaker B: I think that that's the best, you know, that's the best thing I can ever.
[00:22:03] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:22:03] Speaker B: So, yeah.
[00:22:04] Speaker A: And I mean, everything you're saying, I agree with wholeheartedly. And as I said before, you know, it's definitely worth mentioning to our listeners that by no means are you and I saying, this is for everyone.
Some people couldn't imagine moving, and that's absolutely fine. But for those people who, they've kind of got this itch, they feel like they've got kind of one more move left in them.
I think it's something really worth exploring, obviously, researching where you think you want to be and own the fact that, yes, there's pros and cons. Absolutely, you will be leaving things behind, but then new doors will be open.
[00:22:54] Speaker B: Well, we do a lot of grief from our kids, right?
[00:22:56] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:22:57] Speaker B: We left their hometown.
This is where they grew up.
How could we? How dare we?
[00:23:05] Speaker A: Yes.
[00:23:06] Speaker B: You know, because this is, you know, when they thought. When they think about coming home from college or from wherever they're at they come home to the town that they grew up in, and their friends come home, you know, for a break or whatever, and now that is not the case. When they came here to visit, there was nobody there that they knew, and everyone's 2 hours away. And so, yes, it is a change, but at the end of the day, they're also living their life.
I don't know if my kids are going. I don't know if my kids are going to come back and live in California, right? They may very well take a job and then decide to live near their college or wherever their job takes them or wherever my son's military career will take him. And they're not going to think twice about living with mom and dad unless the circumstances demand it, right?
So I feel like they're doing that. And then my parents are kind of. They've got their. Their world and they've got, you know, people there, you know, with their age group and their likes and dislikes and their doing their thing. So why not us, right? I mean, what are we waiting for?
[00:24:20] Speaker A: Exactly.
[00:24:21] Speaker B: So it was the right time.
[00:24:25] Speaker A: Right? And that's. That's kind of how this conversation started, that it is a really uniquely perfect time. Because the reality is when you become. If you're fortunate to become grandparents, that might change things, aging parents might change things, but we're in this unique little time in our life where we do have some freedom. And if you do decide to do something as bold as moving, now's the time to do it. And certainly, as cliche as this sounds, we ain't getting any younger. So, I mean, that is the reality of it, right?
[00:25:09] Speaker B: So that is the reality.
[00:25:12] Speaker A: I love your honesty, and you're just clearly very introspective, and you've taken the time to really think about why you're happier and why this change has been so good for you. And I know that people listening will really relate to this. There's so many people that are up to really shake it up and do something as dramatic as. As moving. I don't think it gets any more dramatic than that. And I think you have a lot of really fabulous insights and stuff that I can 100% relate to. And thank you. Archie, you have been. You have been an amazing guest, and I know people will get a lot from listening to what you have to say. And good luck in your fabulous new house.
[00:26:01] Speaker B: Thank you. Okay, take care.
[00:26:03] Speaker A: Thanks.
[00:26:03] Speaker B: Bye.
[00:26:04] Speaker A: Okay, until next time. Thanks.
Well, I am so glad you guys had the chance to meet Archna. She is. She's wonderful. And a very dear friend. And I have to say that this episode in particular is kind of a special one for me because it speaks to me personally. As I mentioned earlier when I was talking to Archna, her moving, this is something that we both have in common.
We both waited for our kids to leave the nest, and then we both took kind of a big dramatic step in our life. And not only did we move, or that is to say, leave our house and move out, but we took that extra crazy step of trying life in a completely different place, leaving our friends and our comforts and our daily routine behind and tried something new. So we both have that in common. And as I said before, you know, it's a big thing to embrace in your life, and it definitely takes courage. I will say that. And this phenomena of empty nesters moving into a different house is a pretty common one. In fact, Gen Xers, and by Gen Xer, we mean people born between 1965 and 1980, they make up the largest group of new home buyers as composed compared to other generations. So it's kind of interesting because I think a lot of us think, oh, most people just sort of hunker down and stay in the same house that they've been in for years, regardless of when their kids leave the nest. And the reality is there's a great number of us who do just the opposite and see this as an opportunity to move. In fact, I might have done a little bit of research.
A survey by the National association of Home Builders found some interesting little facts here. Gen Xers are moving pretty far, actually, from their previous home, an average of about 70 miles. So I think we can safely say you are moving away from all that you've known. And about half of all Gen X home buyers are looking for single level homes.
We definitely fell into that category when we moved. That was one big decision, to, to decide to move to a different town. But then you're left thinking, okay, well, what is it that we're looking for? What is this home that we're looking for? And in our case, we knew we were looking for our forever home. And I think a lot of people can relate to that. And so we had to be honest with ourselves and think, you know, we're not going to be this age forever. So we fell into that category looking for a home, single level. Maybe we wouldn't be walking up and down stairs forever.
And our priorities had changed, right, since when we had our young kids. When you want a big yard and when you get a little bit older, you know, all of a sudden maybe those things aren't as appealing, and you don't really have the time or the energy to deal with maintaining your house. So this idea of sort of your priorities changing, not just in your life, but what you're looking for in terms of a house. And Gen X buyers are not actually downsizing. They're looking for slightly larger houses, moving from an average of about 1900 square feet to a home of about 2300 sqft. So that's interesting too, because you do hear a lot about people saying, oh, well, we don't need the space, maybe we'll move into a smaller home. When the reality is that doesn't appear to be the case for most people. And I know that for Archna and myself, yes, our priorities of our house needs changed, but it wasn't that that really inspired our get up and go, our sort of keenness to actually get up and move somewhere else. It was that we wanted another adventure, and we were up for relocating somewhere and meeting new people and having new experiences. And we figured, you know what? We still had another move left in us. Because I know we can all agree moving is the actual business of moving is a nightmare, no doubt about it. But if you're up for it and you sort of, like I say, like, you think you still have another move left in you and you recognize that, you know, it is a lot of work to start fresh somewhere else, but it's also so exciting, but definitely not for the faint of heart, not for anybody who's really not up for the challenge, because it is a lot of work. Anyway, so glad you got to meet Archna, and it was. It was a special episode for me. On that note, hope to see you guys for our next episode. And thanks again for watching or listening to the Midlife Happiness project.
[00:31:49] Speaker B: It's a great day. It's a good day.
