Episode Transcript
[00:00:00] Speaker A: Welcome to the Midlife Happiness project, where we share inspiring stories to bring some.
[00:00:06] Speaker B: Happy into your life.
[00:00:13] Speaker A: Okay. Well, we are back, and I am with my wonderful friend Jessica. And she's also an amazing woman. She's happily married, she has two boys, and they are both in college. And she's an empty nester, but she's an empty nester, but she also has a career. And from what I understand, she's not really keen on retiring anytime soon. But at the same time, she's at a place in her life where she recognizes that she's got some independence and an opportunity to really investigate, you know, what makes her happy and mix it up, take some chances. And she was saying earlier, kind of go outside her comfort zone, which being on this program, same as with myself, is an exercise in just that. So. Hey, Jessica.
[00:01:11] Speaker C: Hi, Sarah. Thank you for having me. You nailed it.
[00:01:14] Speaker A: Of course, of course.
Okay, so we are going to be talking about Jessica's thing, the thing that she does that she's incorporated into her life now that she is an empty nester and something she's probably been mindful of her whole life, but now she is really making an intentional effort to insert this into her life, and it's really added some happiness. And so what would that thing be?
[00:01:52] Speaker C: There's quite a few things, but what I'm honing in on is I've really been embracing my alone time and not fearing being alone. And that manifests in a lot of different ways, whether it's traveling or going out for my walk in the morning.
Like you mentioned earlier, of course I love seeing people. I love being social. But I've really, really come to a point where my alone time is precious. I think.
I think about my day, my week plans, whatever it is, or just clear my head.
[00:02:28] Speaker A: I love this. And obviously, for people watching or listening to this program who don't know Jessica, what's interesting is she is extraordinarily over the top, extroverted social dynamic. Fabulous, all of these things. Very, very social. And so when she said to me that that was her thing, that really being alone and valuing her alone time, I really thought that was fascinating because people would definitely have a perception of you without question of you just want to surround yourself with people at all times. And I can completely appreciate that, that I'm also a social person. But you get to an age and stage in your life where you sort of value your alone time. And the other thing that you had told me about before, which I thought was really poignant and interesting, was that you have your family, namely your kids and your husband and your friends that contribute to your happiness. But you now are at a point where you recognize that perhaps you shouldn't always look to others around you for that happiness. Can you speak to that?
[00:03:52] Speaker C: Yeah, I think the best example is my husband. You know, we like to do different things and we like to travel together as well. But there's a lot that, you know, that I like to do. And he's like, you know, go for it. Go ahead. And I'm, instead of him, instead of me getting annoyed and thinking, why don't you want to do this or that? I just do. So, for example, I like to go to New York City often. I go with girlfriends or I go by myself and meet up with friends. I go walk in the park and go to the museums alone. And I really, I just really enjoy it. That's like, okay. It's okay that he doesn't want to join me. Sometimes he does and he will. But when I want to do something, if there's no other takers, I'm like, no problem. I'm just going to do it. And then I started to really enjoy it. I was sharing with a friend the other day that one of my recent trips to New York City, I went to the Met for the first time in New York, and I just was walking around for a couple hours by myself. Then I went and had lunch, and it was just glorious. I really enjoyed it.
[00:04:53] Speaker A: I love that. And I think it's fabulous that your husband sort of says that. And so many people, they feel like if they're part of a couple, they got to do everything together. Or certainly women, I can't speak to men, but certainly with women, there's this idea that you have your tribe of friends and that you collectively make a decision, what are we doing? And then you do it. I mean, the times, you know, you go to Starbucks and there's always a cluster of women. How often do you actually just see somebody sitting by themselves, not working, not on the phone, but just sort of being. It doesn't really happen that often. So that, and the fact that when you do things by yourself, you appreciate it in a different way.
Right?
[00:05:45] Speaker C: Yeah, I agree. Yep.
[00:05:48] Speaker A: Okay. So some of the things that you do, that you are exercising this aloneness, or shall we say this looking to your, looking inward, looking to yourself, spending some sort of sacred time with yourself.
You mentioned you go for walks. You obviously travel on a daily basis. Is this something that you do every day? You make a point of saying, no, no, I'm not going to schedule every moment of every day. I'm going to need an hour just to myself.
[00:06:25] Speaker C: I do. And my, I try to intentionally make plan to walk, make a plan to walk every morning. Sometimes it's at 06:00 a.m. 07:00 a.m. 08:00 a.m. It depends. It doesn't happen every day, but most days. And I really feel it when I skip it. So I try and I'll go for like an hour. I try if I can't, half an hour. And I'm really, I would say probably five or six days a week I do that. And it just sets the tone for my whole day. I really, really enjoy it. Even if it's raining, I'll bring my umbrella or I'll go to the gym indoors if, you know, we've had some crazy weather. But I often will get out whether it's raining or not, rain or shine, and just really try to center myself for the day. Enjoy a little nature maybe. I listen to a podcast music, just thinking about what's next, whether it's the next few hours or the week or the month.
[00:07:21] Speaker A: Fantastic. I can very much relate to what you're saying. And I guess the other question I would have for you, which is something I think about with any of these things that people share, is, is this something that you were looking for and you were looking to mix it up and you sort of discovered this and then made a point of making this part of your routine, or did it just sort of happen on its own, where you just found yourself spending some time alone and thought, wait, this is something that I need to make part of my routine?
[00:08:08] Speaker C: That's a good question. I think it happened over time, and I've always exercised or gone on walks a lot of times with people. And I think it was really the traveling piece and just some of the, you know, with my kids being in college and just having more time to, you know, outside of work to figure out what to do, I think it was just some, aha. Moments of, wow, I don't. I can book a trip and I can just do it. I don't have to rely on anyone to come with me. And it was sort of freeing and a little strange at first, but I really, something just clicked where I really embraced it and looked forward to it. And I actually started booking trips when I was planning stuff with friends or my husband or currently am I actually book sometimes a few extra days just for me on top of that. So yeah, I guess it was just over time, you know, just realizing, wow, it really is fun to do. I can do what I want and also, you know, meet in the middle with my friends or partner to do something fun, too.
[00:09:10] Speaker A: And I think that really speaks to this point in our life. Right, because we can all relate to when you have kids and your life, to a certain extent, really isn't your own. And I remember when my kids were growing up, my daughter was in competitive soccer, and anybody who's a parent of a kid in any kind of sports, and I know your boys were into baseball, it just sort of starts to take over such that your weekends, I mean, they're already fully booked with this or that, and you're at Monday.
And so it's really amazing that when you find yourself in a place where you're like, I actually have some free time. But strangely enough, rather than necessarily fill it with stuff, maybe I'll do just the opposite.
And that's not to say you're not doing things, but it's okay to just be.
And it sounds like your husband supports you doing this.
[00:10:13] Speaker C: Absolutely. And, you know, I think it's just important that we figure out what we want to do together and when. And, you know, and I'm, of course, I'm not going to swing the pendulum the other way where I'm just gone all the time and never home. So trying to find a good balance, because last fall, there were quite a few trips I went on and some by myself, some with friends. I was just kind of, kind of hit a point where it's like, wow, every weekend I'm out of here. But it wasn't intentional. It just all piled up. And I realized, okay, that was a bit too much. I want to balance of it all. When I'm home, I can, you know, spend time with him, spend time with friends, but still incorporate fun things to do on my own, whether it's go to the city for the day or go on a long hike, you know, just me, myself, and I, and then meet friends for lunch later. So I'm always thinking about, you know, how I want to spend my time, how I want to enrich my life. And of course, my family's a huge part of it, but, you know, they're busy with their lives. And so it's just, it's been a really interesting journey. I've been trying to read more as well. I'm not a voracious reader, but I do enjoy reading. And I'm in a book club, and occasionally we, we all. Forget we say we're going to. Yeah. But I do enjoy reading, so I'm trying to do, you know, read one book a month and thinking about just different hobbies. I've been thinking about. I don't know if you've ever tried that babble, try to, you know, learn another language real quick, like something to keep the brain going and something fun. And so I just need to figure out. I have to figure out some other activities. But, yeah, I really, I think. I think the crux of it for me is that I'm not afraid to spend time alone. Like, I used to feel like, wow, I can't go to a movie or go on a trip alone. That's kind of scary. And now I really look forward to it.
[00:12:08] Speaker A: I think that this is all very relatable. And the other thing that you said, which I think is right on the money, is part of you spending time alone, namely in the form probably of exercise or walking, things like that, that you do have time to just frankly think things through.
I personally can relate to this. I'm an avid runner, as you know, and people see me and they'll say, oh, well, I want to do that, too. What time do you leave? And I'll join you. And it's kind of uncomfortable, but I'm like, I'm not interested in doing that because that's the one thing I do for myself. My husband jokes that I sort of solve the world's problems. I always come through the door and be like, I've got an idea because it's just me alone with my thoughts. And it's very, it's a very sacred, private time for me. It sounds goofy because I know it's different for different people, but I have zero interest in incorporating other people. It's not part of it. And so I can. I can relate to what you're saying. Absolutely.
[00:13:25] Speaker C: That is your time. I feel the same. I do bump into folks on my walk, but I might say a quick hi. But I'm really in my zone, you know? If I'm not walking with somebody, I'm not really interested in having a chit chat. I'm really focused on my day and just being in that zone. So I totally get it. Yes. And I don't, you know, like you. I'm not going to be rude, but people kind of get that vibe when you're, you know, when you're there. If you're out running, you're not, you know, that's not social hour.
[00:13:53] Speaker A: Right. Right. And so how would you say this has kind of impacted you the most, obviously, you know, physically, you're going out, you're doing walks. Has it impacted, for example, you're positively affected, your relationships with your husband, your friends? Does it sort of. Then you have time to collect yourself, spend time with yourself. Do you feel that that sort of has positive benefits on your relationships?
[00:14:28] Speaker C: Hmm, definitely. I guess because, you know, we always, we talk a lot about well being, and, you know, when our kids were all growing up and we're so busy, you know, we don't always do a good job taking care of ourselves, I'd say, yeah, I mean, I really can take care of myself now, and I work at a company where well being is a hot topic. And I'm really fortunate that, you know, we all work hard, but play hard, too, and take care of ourselves, take time off. So. Absolutely. You know, when I don't take that walk or take that time that I need, I'm just a little rattled. I'm not quite myself. So, yeah, when I get those, whether it's in the endorphins or just the fresh air, when I have that, I'm a different person. I'm just much more calm for the day. I'm looking forward to going out or whatever it is. I have plans with friends as opposed to feeling kind of frustrated. I am the kind of person, if I don't exercise, I get a bit cranky.
[00:15:27] Speaker A: Mm hmm.
[00:15:30] Speaker C: I'm sure you can relate because you are a runner, and that is a huge energy boost. Right.
[00:15:36] Speaker A: Well, they say that that's where you want to get yourself to. Right. With anything that's hard to start off with, be it exercise or anything. There's that starting point where you think, I'm not sure I'm going to do this, but eventually, if you can get over the hump, it becomes such part of your life that, you know, like you say, when you don't do that given thing, it impacts your life. You don't feel quite yourself.
So I think this has all been really, really interesting, and it's what I like about all of these things that you're talking about is this is a pretty sort of relatable thing that is completely accessible for somebody to just sort of embrace some alone time.
It doesn't cost anybody anything.
It's something that anybody can try for. Some people, maybe with their work schedule, honestly, they only have half an hour a day. Other people have more, but it is a form of almost like self therapy, right?
[00:16:52] Speaker C: Yes, 100%. That's a great way to look at it. Yep.
[00:16:57] Speaker A: And so that's why I think this is very relatable for people listening or watching this program today. Sometimes people get overwhelmed. If we have a guest that's done some outrageous thing, it's easy for people to say, well, that's great.
[00:17:14] Speaker B: And it's very inspiring, but at the.
[00:17:15] Speaker A: Same time, I find that all very overwhelming. I could never do that. This is something that, again, knowing you as I do, you are very extroverted. If you can do this and incorporate in your life, then I don't see why anybody else couldn't.
Right?
[00:17:34] Speaker C: Absolutely. And it can take all shapes and forms, whatever, you know, whatever appeals to folks. Right. We're all different. You know, traveling and exercise are sort of my two, and reading is another one. But there's so many. So many things.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: Mm hmm. Exactly. Well, thank you, Jessica, for coming onto the show.
[00:17:55] Speaker C: Thank you, Sarah. This has been so. You're wonderful, as always.
[00:17:58] Speaker A: As always. Okay. Thanks so much.
Love it. Thank you.
Wow.
[00:18:07] Speaker B: That was really interesting. My friend Jess is such an extrovert that I never would have thought that she would choose her thing that is bringing her so much happiness right now, to be actually valuing her alone time and making time in her day to do just that. Spend time by herself, with herself. But it turns out that research shows that both introverts and extroverts both need value and appreciate their alone time. That is to say, spending time with themselves, for themselves.
And recent studies have referred to something called positive solitude. And this is choosing to be by yourself as opposed to being alone.
And it's something you didn't necessarily choose. Positive solitude is making time in your day to be by yourself.
And this is obviously decidedly different than what we would think of as social isolation, which, of course, means you're removing yourself from a social situation which might be due to depression or something along those. Those lines. This is making a deliberate time in your day to spend time with just yourself. And several of these studies that I've looked at have shown both positive and measurable benefits of this positive solitude. And let's just read those findings. So, one study found that the freedom from burdens of daily life and decision making facilitates reduced stress and helps restore well being.
And another study found that positive solitude leads to improved executive function and decision making capabilities. So there is something scientific behind this more than just mama likes to spend.
[00:20:25] Speaker A: Some time by herself.
[00:20:27] Speaker B: But on that note, we'll see you next time. For the moment, I'm going to spend a little time by myself, put on a little spa music and chill. We'll see you next time.
